


Reverse Psychology, or How Severus Wound Up Giving Potter a Poisoned Apple Labeled "Don't Eat This."

by azurecuisine



Series: Reverse Psychology -verse [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Drabble, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Now with shiny new epilogue!, Snape is exasperated, Voldemort is stupid and slightly crazy, Wordcount: 100-1.000, just silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 07:44:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3439205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azurecuisine/pseuds/azurecuisine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, the Dark Lord would come up with evil plans that left the entire Wizarding world reeling.  This was not one of those plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alexannah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexannah/gifts).
  * Inspired by [By the Light of the Night Rose](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3350558) by [Alexannah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexannah/pseuds/Alexannah). 



> Inspired by a line in a fic I started reading. It's good, and you should read it. (her fic, not this. This is just silly.)

“Severus…”

“My Lord?”

“What is Potter’s greatest weakness?”

What to say?  He has to give something, if only to preserve his position in the Dark Lord’s circle, but he can’t give anything that could lose the war. Could kill Lily’s son.

“I’m waiting, Severus.”

“An inability to do as he’s told.” The words slip out without thought, but they are harmless enough.

Voldemort cackles madly.  “I have the most excellent plan, Severus.”

As Dark Lord whispered his plot into Snape’s ear, Snape resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall. Barely.

_As always, I am surrounded by idiots._


	2. Epilogue, or Why Can't Potter Be Trusted To Follow The Simplest Instructions?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voldemort has decided to exploit Harry's greatest weakness. Voldemort may have gotten that info from Severus. That doesn't mean this is Severus' fault. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided that this is set towards the beginning of fifth year (so Order of the Phoenix). Because there has to be a setting if it’s got more plot, and it wouldn’t make sense in GoF or DH. No reason beyond that. Well, and HBP was a horrific year for Harry, and I wanted him to have more fun. Wasn’t expecting to expand the original drabble, but there felt like there was more story there, so here we go. This really is the end.

“Potter.”

Harry looked up from his breakfast.  Snape was looming— _he’s always looming, even when he’s sitting_ —over him, a somewhat pained expression on his face.

“Here.” The man held out a large, round crumple of newspaper.  It was surprisingly heavy when Harry took it.  “See that you follow instructions.  _For once.”_

And Snape whirled about and stalked to the staff table, robes billowing dramatically.

“It must be a charm or something,” he muttered.

“Well, of course it is, Harry,” Hermione said.  “But what did he give you?”

“Dunno.” Harry unwrapped the newspaper, and found a shiny red apple.  It was the most perfect apple he had ever seen—round, bright red, practically bursting with juice. The stem had a single leaf still clinging to it, and there was a curl of parchment tied to it.

_Harry Potter,_   
_DON’T EAT THIS!_   
_Cordially, _  
 _Lord Voldemort _____

Harry stared at the note.  He looked up at the staff table, and saw Snape glaring at him.  He looked back at the apple, then up at Hermione and Ron. “Huh.”

Hermione craned her neck, trying to read the tag.  “Nice calligraphy.  What’s it say?”

Harry scratched his head.  “Voldemort sent me an apple?  Through Snape?”

“What!”

“Bet it’s poisoned,” Ron said.  “Don’t eat it.”

“Yeah, that’s what the note says,” Harry said.  _Why would Voldemort send me an apple and tell me not to eat it?_

“He _told_ you it’s poisoned?” Hermione asked suspiciously.

“No, look,” said Harry.  “It just says not to eat it.”

Ron looked horrified.  “I bet it’s an egg of something really nasty that’ll crawl out and kill you in your sleep, and it’s just disguised as an apple.”

“Oh, honestly, Ron.”  Hermione rolled her eyes. “It’s… um… well, that’s a ridiculous idea!”

“More ridiculous than Voldemort sending me an apple I’m not supposed to eat?” Harry asked.

“Well… no, I suppose not.  But… Oh, we really shouldn’t talk here.  Come on!” Hermione grabbed the two boys’ arms, and dragged them away from the table.

“Hermione!” Ron said with a slight whine.  “I wasn’t done with my breakfast!”

“Want an apple?”  Harry laughed, feeling it was a very clever joke.  His friends just huffed, and Ron kicked at him.  _Humorless.  Everyone’s so humorless… I bet Sirius would have laughed. Have to remember to tell him about this._

“I am not eating your You-Know-Who apple!” 

“Good point.  It says ‘Don’t eat this,’ and it never says whether that applies to just me or to anyone. Probably best if no one eats the apple.”

Ron let out a frustrated shout as they came to a stop in the library. It was deserted, all the other students still asleep or at breakfast.

_Breakfast. Toast.  Bacon.  Sausages. Eggs.  Tomatoes.  Why am I not at breakfast?  Is Voldemort trying to torture me with food that I can’t eat?  Wonder if Dobby would come if I called?  Bet he’d be happy to bring me some food.  What’s Hermione saying?_

“Snape’s not _really_ a Death Eater, he works for the Order.  So there’s no way that he would _really_ give Harry something dangerous.  Dumbledore wouldn’t allow it.” Hermione was whispering, glancing at Madam Pince to make sure they hadn’t been noticed.  Harry found himself in complete agreement with her.

“That’s true,” said Ron.  He got a sudden hopeful look and turned to Harry.  “So, the apple must be safe, then!  Lemme have a bite, I’m starving!”

“What? No!  It’s my apple, if anyone’s going to eat it, I am!”

***

Five minutes later, Severus shoved a bezoar down Potter’s idiotic throat.

_As always, I am surrounded by idiots._


End file.
